aureately | Voicemail/Inbox/BBS board/IM/all-purpose-IC-post

[The audio rolls for about half a minute in silence. Finally, there's a slight sound of movement, but it's another moment before his voice is heard.]

I, um...

[It comes out low, a little scratchy as if he hasn't used his throat much lately. He coughs to clear it, but it barely helps.]

...This might be stupid, but... I just really... need someone to talk to right now. So... you're the one I'd want, but... this is... better than nothing.

[Another lengthy pause. It's a good thing there's no apparent limit to the rune's voicemail.]

...I still don't believe it. Or... maybe I already do, but... I don't want to. It's not... right -- it wasn't fair, there wasn't even any time to--

[His voice breaks and there's a sharp hiss of breath.

He's obviously on the verge of breaking down, but he forces himself to keep going, ignoring the waver in his words.]

We all saw it... no one could do anything, it... I'll never forget it. I want to, and I guess that's selfish, but--

[A small sound escapes him, half-choke.]

I'm sorry -- I'm sorry but I can't--

[A fumbling sound near the rune's mic, and then the message cuts.]

[Like the first message, there's a delay of silence at the beginning, but it's considerably shorter.]

Me again.

[He breathes out, slow and heavy. He's determined not to lose it today. Not for the next couple minutes.]

...They still haven't found anything. But...

[...]

...it's stupid to keep hoping, isn't it? It's... kind of cruel, too... if you were still...

[He still can't bring himself to say it.]

...I haven't changed at all... I'm tagging after you like always. I can't let you go.

I can't...

[There's a dull thump sound.]

You'd... be on my case, if you could see me now. Asuna-chan... she misses you, too. And she's worried. I think... I'm scaring her, maybe, because I... but... I don't know how to talk to her about this. I just... don't want...

[He goes quiet for a while. When he speaks again, his voice is lower, a little more strained.]

I keep thinking... and I just -- I wish I hadn't...

You've always been my best friend. You've always looked out for me. I didn't... appreciate that enough. I yelled at you too much.

And I just... keep thinking... [His voice tightens.] Maybe if I'd been better... maybe you wouldn't have been so close. Maybe you'd have been standing with me and you never would have--!

[He breathes in, shakily -- and while his next words are louder, more forceful, more emotional, he still doesn't cry yet.]

If it was my fault, I'm sorry! If I could've -- done something, anything different... if I could go back--!

[It does break out of him now. Painfully. His voice is muffled as he goes on.]

I want to go back -- I can't... but I want to go back!

[It's another minute of smothered crying before he ends the feed.]

Hey.

I'm... sorry. About before. I think I'm fine, sometimes, but... I know I'm not. [He sounds sad, but not overly emotional.] I don't know when I will be... and I don't know if it'll ever stop hurting.

...I miss you, you know. I missed you before, when I first came here, but... it's... different. It always hurts. If I think about good times or bad times, it doesn't matter. It all feels the same... but I can't help remembering. I want to. It's... all I have now.

[He sighs quietly, sounding resigned.]

...I really thought we could do it.

[...]

I thought... we'd stay here forever. You and me and Asuna-chan. I thought... ending up here was the best thing for all of us. I thought I could change... so I wouldn't have to count on you two to watch me. I tried.

But... it didn't matter. Not for you.

[A pause, as if he's considering saying something more -- but then the call ends.]

I wish you were here.

If it'd been... if it hadn't been you... you'd be with me right now, wouldn't you. Just like Asuna-chan is. Every day.

[His tone is surprisingly level compared to previously, but it's not happy. It's flat, almost apathetic-sounding.]

She deserves better than this. But I... I don't... She makes some of it easier, but...

[He exhales sharply, impatiently, but his voice remains the same.]

She just... looks so sad. I tell her I'm okay, but... you know I suck at lying. You'd probably know just what to say, though.

[A pause.]

I don't want her to worry anymore, or to push herself too much, but... what can I tell her? As soon as I wake up, I remember everything and start all over. It's like... every day's the same. It's not getting any easier. So... I just keep lying to everyone. I can barely do that, though.

...I just don't know anymore.

Edited 2014-07-07 03:15 (UTC)

[Unlike the other messages, it's obvious from the start that he's been crying, and very recently. His voice is thick and rasping, and there's a snap to it despite how quietly and slowly he speaks at first.]

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't have supported you when you went diving. I should have... I should have said something. Maybe you would've listened.

[It's self-reprimanding as well as apologetic, but the next words gain heat -- and volume.]

But it's your fault, too. I told you -- I told you as soon as you arrived that the Havens are dangerous -- you were stupid enough to join that fight, anyway! You almost died! And you still didn't learn!

[He swallows, loudly, but that doesn't stop the overwhelming emotion from bleeding through.]

I never asked you to protect me! You act like it's so noble, but you're still an idiot! All that did was make you feel better! Maybe it made you braver or something, but every time something came up, I was scared -- it was bad enough every time Asuna-chan went away, but then I had to worry about you, too!

You said you'd be careful, but you weren't! You... you should've -- known -- you should've...!

[There's a sob -- and some low, cautious, and sad chirping somewhere further off. It goes ignored.]

Maybe -- Maybe you don't have any regrets, but what about me? I can't forget! I see it again every night, I think about how horrible it must've been -- it makes me sick but I can't stop -- you're all I can think about and I'm supposed to move on somehow! And I guess I'm the one who has to tell Sonohara-san, too, if I ever see her again -- how are you helping me now, Masaomi?

[His crying seems to take over completely then, because he doesn't manage to get anything else out.

Not, at least, until he chokes out in only semipotent anger,]

It -- It would've been better if they never brought you here!

[This time his grief does win out, but it's a while before he remembers to end the message.]

[It's the first time Mikado chooses video. Were he more aware of his appearance, or expecting these messages to actually be received one day, he might have stuck to audio

because he looks terrible.

It's only been a week, but those seven days have taken their toll: his eyes are distant, the circles under them too dark compared to the rest of his paler-than-usual face. It makes him look exhausted but restless, and the angles in his jaw and cheeks are too sharp, the skin drawn a little too tight.

He's on his side, lying on his tangled mess of blankets in the same inn room they shared before the incident, and that lackluster position doesn't help him appear any less small and weak. After he turns the rune on, he crosses his arms over his stomach, and the motion emphasizes how much skinnier he is. Not threateningly so, but it would be obvious to anyone who sees him on a regular basis.]

...I'm the worst.

[His eyes have fallen sideways, staring downward at the bed.]

I don't... know... how to handle this. I'm pushing everyone away... I'm blaming you... I come up with every excuse for how things could've been different, as if it matters. But it doesn't. So I just get mad again... and I keep ignoring everyone. The ones I have left.

[Pain briefly twists his features.]

...Is this what you were afraid of? That's what I've been wondering. If it'd been me... would you've felt like this? Did you know?

[He closes his eyes, but the troubled look stays.]

Maybe you did... and that's why you could just jump in like that.

[He shrugs, the motion so slight that it could easily be overlooked.]

Sometimes I wonder... if you were like that because of what you told me. About that time you froze up. It's... actually pretty hard to imagine... But, yeah--

[Mikado opens his eyes, looking straight at the rune with a clear gaze.]

--I just... wonder if you were trying to... make up for that, or something. Maybe you decided risking your life was worth it... especially if it kept you from going through this.

[His arms tighten around his middle slightly.]

I never said it, but... when you told me that story, I was... I'm still glad you didn't go. I can't say for sure, since I wasn't there, but... I could've lost you a lot sooner.

And I don't know your girlfriend, but I think... I think she probably felt the same way. Especially if she still... you know.

At least... when I was in Crystal City... I remember thinking, "I'm glad he's not here." That was the only time I felt that way, because I knew... I knew you'd have gotten involved. And maybe gotten hurt. So... maybe she felt the same way. I don't know.

[He looks down at the bed again, pensive.]

...I never got to tell you all that. Just like... I should've told you not to be so hard on yourself. I don't think you're a coward for what happened -- or for leaving Ikebukuro. It... would take a lot more than that to make me think less of you, you know?

[The faint traces of a slight, sad almost-smile ghost over his thin lips -- just there, though. It doesn't reach his eyes.]

...I should've told you that, too. How much I look up to you, even if I didn't act like it much.

[...

He draws his knees up, hugging them to his stomach. Only after a few deep breaths does he reach over and turn the rune off.]

Nine days.

[Video again. This time Mikado's on the floor, lying on his back with the rune set at arm's length beside him as he stares upward.]

It feels longer than that.

[...]

...Sorry. I don't know what to talk about today... but it doesn't feel right if I don't call.

[Another pause, and then suddenly he laughs -- more or less. It's a sharp exhale, humorless, but he grins briefly as he does it, although there's no mirth in the expression, either.]

Am I crazy? I don't even know...

[The look fades as quickly as it appeared.]

I've talked to you more than anyone else for nine days. Everyone... I know they want to help, but... they're just reminders.

[...]

How did you do it? You were so good at hiding things -- how you felt, I mean. I know... that I kept secrets, too, and I still do from some people, but... I'm no good at hiding what I'm feeling.

I guess I'm jealous.

[His eyes close, and he hesitates long enough that he almost seems to be meditating.]

...You were better in a lot of ways. So when something happened to one of us... why was it you?

[...]

I guess there are coincidences here, after all.

[He looks over, and after a thoughtful couple of seconds ends the video.]

Right after the attack, someone told me there was a chance you could all still be alive.

[His breath hitches after the last word, as if it still pains him to think about the matter so bluntly. After a moment he goes on, more quietly than before.]

I wanted to believe it. But I was afraid... I didn't want to get my hopes up. I didn't want to get hurt all over again. But...

But it's going to hurt, anyway, so... I want to believe. I hope... I hope you're okay, somehow. If you are... I'm sorry I can't do anything to help.

If you're not...

[He gives a short, cut-off sigh, and goes silent. His next words are only just audible.]

...Please be okay, Masaomi. Please... I keep... having to get used to you being gone. I don't want to do it again. I just want us to be together without having to worry about that anymore.

...Maybe that's a lot to ask, but... I don't care. I'll be selfish, then.

[...]

So... if you're okay, somewhere... I just want you to know that I'm not afraid to hope anymore. That's all I can really do for you, anyway.

[The rune turns on as Mikado shuffles it in his fingers, seated with his chin propped on the arm that's lying across a tabletop. He looks as tired and restless as he did in his last couple videos, and nothing else has really changed. The room is only vaguely lit from the one window, making the time of day hard to guess, but the time stamp on the message will reveal that it's early morning, just before sunrise.

He takes his time before speaking, but there's no thoughtful look in the meantime. Just a blank stare, making it all but impossible to guess what he's thinking behind it -- if anything.]

...Eleven days.

[His voice is low -- intentionally, although that's not obvious right away.]

I won't... assume anything yet, but...

...Almost two weeks. That's pushing it, isn't it.

[He sighs, also quietly, but otherwise doesn't move or speak.]

[It wound up that cuddling up with -- and sleeping next to -- Mikado was a good way to get her mind off the hard work, where they had no way of seeing whether what they did had some pay off. Asuna had been sleeping, but... she heard a voice.]

[So now -- from out of view of the rune, but still audible -- Asuna is talking.]

Mikado-kun? Who are you talking to?

[He doesn't quite start as he usually might at the surprise, but glances over without hardly budging from his position.]

Ah... no one. I was just leaving a message.

I, um... I didn't wake you up, did I?

[The flat tone of before gives way to apology, and more than a little concern.]

Not really...

[Technically, yes; she was about to wake up anyways, though. She sits up and glances at him, before she glances at the rune.]

Leaving a message? For-- oh.

[...for Kida. Who else would it be?]

[It's clear she's guessed what this is about, and guessed right. Mikado straightens up, sitting back in his chair and staring down at the rune.]

...The messages never get through [so he thinks] but...

[He shrugs lightly.]

It... It just feels... better. Than doing nothing. Although I said some awful things before.

[He glances over at Asuna, briefly.]

I guess it's... silly. Or crazy.

[Or both.]

It's not.

[She gets out of bed, wearing her fairly rumpled clothes -- she fell asleep in them -- and loops her arms around his shoulders from behind, leaning her chin down on his shoulder.]

If it helps, or if it might help, it's worth it. Besides...

[She looks down at the rune.]

I think he would understand.

[He reaches up to gently grip her wrist at that, still balancing the rune in his other hand. Mikado does, at least, smile at the reassurance, even if it looks as tired as the rest of him and only lasts a few seconds.]

...Yeah. He'd probably say I'm not calling enough, huh.

[The look fades, but it's replaced by one more thoughtful now, rather than completely sad or totally apathetic.]

I'm just not sure what to say now. I feel like... I've said everything I need to, but...

[...but he still can't quite let go.]

[She smiles at the joke, but it's a sad sort of smile. At this point, she thinks it likely that Kida is dead. Elevn days is a long time -- it is, strictly speaking, past the point that he should have ran out of water. She can hope for a miracle, but that hope is dwindling.]

[Asuna shakes her head at him.]

Whatever you need or want to say. [There's still time to say goodbye. It doesn't have to happen now.] There isn't a schedule or guide to saying the right thing, Mikado-kun.

[Mikado says nothing for a moment. Ironically, he's had more hope lately than he did in the beginning -- it's not much, of course, but maybe because the shock wore off for the most part, it was easier to hope. Somehow.

He's not sure why it turned out that way, but now, with the two-week mark drawing near... it doesn't really matter. He said yesterday that he would hope, and he is, but that doesn't mean he has a whole lot of faith in doing so.]

Mm.

[He leans his head against hers, lightly, as he considers.]

...I think... there's one thing I should say. Something I should've said back at the beginning.

[He hesitates, but then his voice gains a little strength.]

I'll be okay.

[He frowns, glancing down.]

Not... today, and maybe not tomorrow, but... I won't let my memories be a bad thing, if it comes to that. And--

[He looks up again, staring at the rune as intently as though he's actually making eye contact with someone on the other end of it.]

--you don't have to worry. Even if... I don't get you back... I have others. I'll be fine. So... wherever you are, don't worry about me.

[After a moment, he looks over at Asuna, and his gaze softens.]

We'll... make every day count. Won't we?

[She keeps quiet, while he talks, because it's to the rune instead of her. Even if Kida never sees this, she knows it's important to not interrupt; to let Mikado talk and say what he's thinking, while the moment is here. Asuna looks sideways at him, and then back at the rune in turn when he speaks to her.]

[There's a small nod there, when he asks her; Asuna looks at the rune, but she squeezes Mikado's hand while she talks.]

We will. Don't worry, okay, Kida-kun?

[He said to call her that, once, but she never took him up on that offer. She feels guilty that she waited to now, but it passes after a moment. What's done is done.]

[He's glad that Asuna adds something in, even it momentarily traps his voice in his throat and makes it hard to stay (more or less) neutral. Mikado manages, however, after a pause.]

...And... I need to say this anyway, but I think he'd want to know. [He looks over at Asuna, and it's a different kind of pain in his gaze now.]

You've... really helped me through this, Asuna-chan. And I'm grateful. But... you've lost people, too, and I haven't been supportive enough. So...

[He threads his fingers through hers.]

...I'm sorry. And... it won't happen again.

[He won't be so closed off and unresponsive. Then again, short of losing her, too, there's no one else here whose loss would have such a crippling impact on him.]

[Asuna looks back at him, surprised for a moment -- not at the sentiment, which she thought would come sooner or later, but rather that it came sooner -- before she smiles. She squeezes his hand back, then leans into his back. Her free arm hugs him, tightly.]

It's okay. It's...

[As tempting as it feels to say that more, it feels like the wrong thing. She might downplay it, or make it like it hadn't hurt. So instead, she squeezes his hand back.]

[Apology accepted.]

It's okay.

[Mikado manages a smile, and while it's still small, still sad, it's more genuine than the last one, and he doesn't have as much trouble making it.

He notices the clock behind Asuna and looks a little more attentive.]

Mm... are you going back to bed?

[Or getting up at dawn like a ~~crazy~~ dedicated person?]

Oh. Well...

[She shakes her head, before she looks back at him.]

I don't think so. I'm awake enough.

[He returns that with a small nod.]

Okay. I think... I'll try to sleep a couple more hours. I've been up for a while.

[Try "most of the night." But no need to worry her more.]

--Unless, ah... you want help with anything. Or... company. Or something.

[...he's tired what are complete sentences right now.]

Oh-- [Oh, jeez, he's barely slept. It clicks into place; Asuna nods at him, then she smiles and shakes her head.]

No, you get some rest. I think I might go practice with my sword.

[Tried and true way to clear her head.]

Right. Um... don't overdo it.

[He manages a smile then, too, giving her hand one last easy squeeze before remembering the rune. He watches it for a moment, as if debating saying more...

...but he's said, and probably shown, enough today. So with a small nod -- of acknowledgement, reassurance, and farewell -- he ends the message.]

Voicemail/Inbox/BBS board/IM/all-purpose-IC-post

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